Lone Star Justice
Everything is bigger in Texas, including the jackasses.
That can be the only explanation for everyone’s favorite punchline, Governor Rick Perry, STILL considering himself to be a viable candidate for president after making more missteps and gaffes than a virgin at an orgy.
His stupidity has run the gamut from forgetting the name of an entire federal agency he’d like to eliminate to apparently not being aware of the legal voting age in America. No, it’s not 21 – it’s 18. Remember it this way: 18 is the age when we could vote for you to be president, and 21 is the age where we can legally drink to forget that you are running for president.
I might be less irritated at the immaculately coiffed Governor’s poor showing were it not for his trite explanations for it – “Hey, I’m only human.” Sorry Rick, but that’s not really a quality we are looking for in a president. We prefer the polished superhero-type who doesn’t get made fun of by every late night talk show host. We prefer that other nations not laugh at our president, making fun of his “Aw, shucks” folksy attitude and Ken-doll hair.
The only good thing that has come from Perry making his bid for president is that now the nation can know the pain that Texans have felt for far too long. You don’t just become a giant jackass overnight, you see – it’s an art that’s cultivated over many years of being an elected official, and the people of Texas have been wincing for 10 long years with this man as governor.
Texans will no doubt remember the 2010 news articles illustrating how while Perry was cutting the budgets of all his state agencies and forcing layoffs of thousands of Texans, this pompous ass was living in a $10,000-a-month-rental “mansion.” Oh yes – while his state was facing an $11 billion deficit, Perry was living in a rental mansion while the state’s Governor’s Mansion was getting a facelift. (The Governor’s Mansion, owned by the State of Texas, was since damaged by arson so Perry’s rental agreement was extended even longer).
It was like Ken had finally gotten to move into Barbie’s DreamHouse! Perry and his lovely wife, Anita, apparently just had to have the five-bedroom, seven-bath mansion complete with a gourmet kitchen and three dining rooms. A modest apartment near the Capitol? Shucks, no! Ken needs a big house.
Of course, no dream home is complete without more than a $1,000 in Neiman Marcus window coverings. Should one be purchasing luxe window coverings for their temporary digs? Sure – when it’s taxpayer money! Let’s not forget to budget for the maintenance of the heated pool and sign off on a $1,000 emergency repair of the governor’s filtered ice machine and a two-year subscription to “Food & Wine” magazine. While directing the residents of his state to “tighten their belts,” he was buying enough hair product to single-handedly burn a hole the size of Texas in the world’s ozone layer – the recession would not be penetrating his hair-helmet!
And my favorite screw-up? The “Adios Mo-Fo” scandal or Mo-Fo-Gate.
After participating in a telephone interview with a Houston reporter, Governor Perry thought the interview was wrapped up and said his goodbyes. Thinking somehow that the reporter and his microphone could no longer hear him, he chirped “Adios Mo-Fo!” to the reporter while hanging up. The misstep was all over the news, inspiring bumper stickers and t-shirts of the Governor, looking dopey in a giant sombrero. Kinda seems appropriate now, doesn’t it?
Rick, it’s time to stop. Adios Mo-Fo.
Bum Wrap for the Holidays
In the spirit of Thanksgiving I decided to embark on an exploration of my own much like the early settlers of our great nation. I packed up my gear and headed to the edge of my property line, which I had previously assumed to be the edge of the world. What I found was incredible! Not only was I wrong about it being the edge of the Earth, but there was a whole new world there in which I had discovered a dwelling!
Getting inside was relatively easy as there were many glass openings on the exterior walls. A little tap with a crow bar and in no time at all I found myself surrounded by treasures and electronics of all kinds. I found it strange that there were no inhabitants, but no worry I was too caught up in the excitement of my discovery.
I went to each room of the dwelling and to my amazement there was something new and exciting to discover everywhere I looked. I found jewels, iPods, coins, flat screen televisions, currency and many other things. In the kitchen I had discovered that the indigenous people sustained themselves on a diet much like our own. Cans of soup and vegetables lined the pantry while delicious meats, condiments and dairy products were in abundance throughout the refrigerator. I even found a half gallon of Blue Bunny ice cream in the freezer and the liquor cabinet was outrageously stocked with only the finest.
I began thinking of all the possibilities and realized that I could help to civilize the people of this dwelling and all I would ask in return would be to keep the things that I had discovered and live there in peace with them. I knew that this new world could benefit from the knowledge that I possessed and I was ready to help the natives develop their culture.
By the time I had poured my third glass of scotch I heard the sound of sirens approaching. In no time at all the front door was being kicked in and several police entered abruptly shouting “Get down on the ground!” I was outraged! Who did they think they were coming into my newly discovered world and displaying such violent behavior?
In spite of my every explanation, they shackled me and hauled me away to jail. When I asked why I was being arrested and what the charges were I was simply told “Burglary of a Habitation.” How could this be? It’s just my luck that once I get a good thing going, someone comes along and tries to take it away from me.
Now instead of continuing to enjoy the vast treasures that I once discovered I am being faced with a felony conviction. Is it really criminal to “discover” things? I didn’t do anything wrong and I have been very cordial to the natives who dwell there even since the discovery, but a condition of the bond I was granted states that I am not allowed to make contact with them again.
I could have changed the world if it hadn’t been for the hypocrisy that is the American Justice System. Instead I am spending the holidays on house arrest.
Protester in Yemen Doesn’t Give a Crap
Circled on the right: Abu not giving a crap
Amid the chaos that has been stirring in Yemen for the past 10 months, protesters have taken to the streets demanding that President Ali Abdullah Saleh step down and face prosecution for the alleged crimes committed by his regime during his 33 year tenure in office.
Crowds of thousands have gathered in squares chanting in unison for the change and excitement has rocked the nation, yet has left one man unmoved. 27 year old sorghum industry employee Mahmoud Youssef Abu (shown not giving a crap in the photo illustrated here) said that he thinks the protests are boring and just doesn’t get the point. Despite the fact that the entire country had turned out for the protests, Abu (who refers to himself as “Abu Al Yemeni”) expressed that he believes that the gatherings could have been staged a little better and were poorly planned.
When we had the chance to interview him, he had this to say; “I haven’t had to vote my whole life and now that we are getting rid of the president we will have to go to the poles. Who knows, we may have to do it every few years or so.” His work in the sorghum industry carries with it long hours, as it constitutes a major segment of the Yemeni economy. This prevents him from being at home as often as he’d like to be and according to him, voting would be yet another distraction from home life.
When asked why he would have rather not gotten involved he said “when you don’t have to vote, it’s hard to really get involved with politics, especially when your government might kill you for interfering.” As protesters shouted their chants, Abu stared at every camera he could find and put on his “don’t give a crap face” in the spirit of his own little protest.
We asked him if he thought the regime change would be good for his country and he simply replied “I don’t give a crap.” This was a proud day for the potential prosperity of Yemen but, just another day for Abu Al Yemeni. In fact, he told us that he really doesn’t give a crap about anything. He explained that he joined the protest because it was on his way home and he had to walk through the crowds to get to his apartment on Fhalahha Street which is just one block from where the photograph was taken.
You’ll shoot your eye out!
A group of University of California students have finally learned what many scofflaws and juvenile delinquents have known for some time: pepper spray kinda hurts.
It would seem that last week, a small contingent of UC Davis students decided to stage their own anti-Wall Street “Occupy” protest, complete with a makeshift vagabond camp. Since it’s against the law to just plop a tent down wherever you may feel like it, they were told to decamp and refused. When told to move by police, they instead linked their likely pasty-white arms, sat Indian-style on the ground and defiantly refused to move their Birkenstocks.
The police weren’t taking ‘no’ for an answer. Instead, they delivered a stream of pepper spray to their smug collegiate faces.
The only complaint I have about the incident is that I wasn’t there to see it because I bet the dudes screamed like little girls with skinned knees. Let’s face it: protestors are usually hippies and hippies aren’t exactly known as the toughest bunch. I’ve seen crackwhores shot in the face with a can of pepper spray and they still refused to put down their glass skull pipe but direct a little shot at a hippie and he cries like a bitch. It’s not like they could have possibly gotten much spray in their eyes – their ironically hip glasses probably took the brunt of the blow.
The thing is that at any point, these fledgling protestors could have complied with police and avoided a dust-up, but they chose not to listen. What else were the cops supposed to do? I personally would have advocated just taking a bulldozer and scraping them off the sidewalk and dumping them in the parking lot of the nearest Starbucks or local hipster coffee house, but that’s why I’m not a campus cop. (My application is still pending a psych investigation).
Still, as a result of the pepper spray shower, a couple of the campus cops are on suspension and the students are calling for the university’s chancellor to resign. Why the chancellor? Did she personally walk outside and spray any of these junior protestors in the face? No. (Though I bet she wishes she had at this point. I wasn’t even there and I would like to go “stun-gun” on some of their asses.)
No demonstration is complete without input from America’s favorite defective filmmaker Michael Moore. While appearing on “The Last Word” on MSNBC, the portly Moore actually compared the incident to the 1989 massacre at Tiananmen Square in Beijing.
Um….what?
Correct me if I’m wrong, but at Tiananmen Square, hundreds and hundreds of protestors lost their lives after being shot by soldiers during a pro-democracy rally.
The UC Davis “massacre” involved a small group of overindulged children being sprayed in the face with a chemical that most housewives carry on their key chain. I think it’s safe to say that while Moore may know his way around a cheeseburger, he might not be as informed about history.
But I digress. The lesson here? Simple. If the cops say you need to move, you should go ahead and move, even if you think you are standing strong for a cause that probably doesn’t actually impact you since you are still in college and therefore, don’t pay taxes or have real jobs (working part-time at Kinko’s or at the local college dive doesn’t count.)
Don’t want to move? Then next time, be ready with some goggles.
Senator Saves the World One Cheeseburger at a Time
With silly little dilemmas like homelessness, hunger, a broken economy and killer bees facing the United States, the residents of the great state of Texas are lucky to have a state senator who truly tackles the tough issues: whether death row inmates get a last meal.
The issue is one that affects so many people. Well, 300 or so people. Who can’t vote. Because they are on death row.
Since the days of Old Sparky, the condemned have always had the opportunity to choose a last meal but no more. Thanks to State Senator John Whitmire, the men and women of Texas death row can no longer bid adieu with a last cheeseburger or scrambled eggs. Seems Whitmire believed that affording this opportunity to a person convicted of a heinous crime and sentenced to death just didn’t cut the mustard.
Condemned inmates in Texas don’t have a whole lot of decisions they get to actually make. They take a shower when they are told, eat whatever they are given and definitely don’t have any say as to the day they will meet their maker. About the only thing they get to choose is whether they would like to go out with a plate full of nachos or 4 fried eggs. The most requested meal was the good ol’ cheeseburger, seconded by regional favorites such as fajitas and enchiladas and breakfast foods. The rule is that they could only ask for items that were already available in the unit’s kitchen – if the ingredients aren’t there, you don’t get that item. Lobster bisque? Not so much. Frozen fish patty? You bet!
So what raised Whitmire’s ire? Simple: he felt one inmate was being a little too greedy. See, Lawrence Brewer, a death row inmate executed for the heinous murder of James Byrd in Jasper, Texas, wasn’t content to ask for a burger and fries. No, he requested a pound of barbecue, several chicken-fried steaks, ice cream, fudge, pizza, burgers and more.
It should be pointed out that Brewer didn’t actually get all this food but Whitmire was not to be deterred. He fired off an angry letter to prison officials, demanding that death row inmates no longer be allowed to choose a last meal. The prison system, which has always seemed frightened of the Keibler Elf-sized Senator from Houston quickly obliged.
We’re not clear on whether Whitmire was feigning offense solely at the sheer mass of Brewer’s request, the fact that someone who has been condemned to death gets to choose what they eat last, or if he thought the cost was too much for the taxpayers to bear (although last meals don’t actually cost anything since again, the ingredients are already in the unit’s kitchen). The hunch is that at the heart of the matter, he was instead looking for a way to worm his way into the international media by tackling a subject that most Americans don’t care about, but most European countries do.
According to Urban Dictionary, a “media whore,” is defined as “a person who has a psychological need to get into TV, Film, Radio or Print,” or “a person who becomes aroused almost sexually be seeing or hearing themselves or about themselves in the media.” Is Whitmire a media whore? It would seem so. While certainly no one wants to give much serious thought to the pint-sized politician’s genitals, you can’t help but notice that he does seem to feel a certain sense of gratification at making outlandish claims and bold gestures that serve little purpose other than to get himself in the news.
Besides media whoredome, we seriously have to ask: what is the real point behind Whitmire’s demand that Brewer’s last meal also be the last, last meal to be served in Texas? Aren’t there some bigger prison issues to tackle? The ever-growing incarceration rate? Crime rates? Parole reform? If the Senator’s biggest concern is whether a death row inmate gets to ask for a chimichanga prior to his execution, it would seem he’s got his priorities a bit askew.
Pedophiles Outraged at Proposed Change in Legislation
The Department of Justice is proposing a change in the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act that has pedophiles up in arms due to its unprejudiced stance regarding violating the “terms of service” of websites and other internet mediums.
The proposed change would make it criminal to violate the terms of service and in particular lying or providing false information such as age, weight or other commonly misreported details.
“We already have Chris Hanson and an extensive list of criminal charges to deal with regarding our predatory behavior, this change is unconstitutional” said one sex offender regarding the new propositions to the bill, adding “this means that when I create new accounts I can’t say I’m a 13 year old boy without risk of prosecution!”
Proponents of the bill suggest that only the guilty should be concerned about the changes mostly because if you surf the web legitimately you shouldn’t be in violation of anyone’s terms of service. Dating sites and social networks alike require registrants to agree to their “terms of service” prior to granting membership, as do most other sites. This bill would mandate a closer look at those terms before clicking to avoid prosecution to individuals seeking to use those sites.
Unfortunately they will not be seeking prosecution against your fake name Facebook stalker, but the intention is to clean up some of the lies and scams that populate the web. What does this mean? Hopefully less crap on the Web like cockamamie conspiracy theories about real events and internet criminals. Speaking of conspiracies… we will be bringing you the latest on the “Obama Alien Abduction” in a soon to be featured article. Be sure to watch our calendar for updates!
Today Weekly… News that helps you appear to care
Greetings and salutations! I am very pleased to announce that we are launching a new publication with the intention of bringing the most up to date and important news from around the world. We have a skilled team of journalists from a wide variety of backgrounds who care about keeping you informed.
Why read our publication? The answers are numerous, but it all comes down to a few fundamental facts. We are more reliable than any other source, we don’t care what other people think (except for you, we care about what you think) and we give you the information that is important to you.
This publication was founded by people who give a damn, for people who want to give a damn but are just too busy. We understand that your home life may be filled with countless obstacles all of which impede your ability to read or watch the news at home. For this reason we have developed a way that you can read the news while you are supposed to be working.
Research indicates that at least 25% of employees spend up to 15 minutes screwing around on the internet and another 13% spend up to two hours doing it. Our goal is to target the 25% and encourage them to increase their “screw around” time to about 20-25 minutes. It would boost our sites ratings and most importantly, help keep those people informed. Now of course if we can also attract that other 13% we would be in really good shape with a static audience.
Another benefit of reading your news here while at work is the fact that it makes your personal use of company internet more explainable. For example, if your boss came up to your desk and asked what you were doing while you were using the web for personal reasons and your response was “I was sending my homeboy an email right quick.” He or she might not be as forgiving as if the response had been “I was reading a news article about something.”
All of that aside, we want to welcome you to our news site and let you know that there is more to come. Thanks for stopping by!
The G.O.P. Debates Reveal a New Presidential Cantidate
Ok, they didn’t really reveal a new candidate, but it’s pretty certain that one of these guys or the girl (although let’s face it, not very likely to be the female) debating will become the Republican who runs against President Obama. What was discovered is that 50% of campaign trailers prefer red ties whil 25% prefer blue. Odd man out being Herman Cain who chose yellow and of course Michele Bachmann who opted not to wear a tie.
Most of the topics that were debated were boring and typical of presidential campaign debating, which is why I didn’t even watch it. I did however read about it and have compiled all the information that you need to know right here in this article. It’s lucky for you that we have created a news source that can help keep you up to date without wasting your personal time by having to watch or attend events.
From what our sources tell us, nothing out of the ordinary happened. Herman Cain was outraged to find out after the fact that China had possessed a nuclear weapons arsenol for nearly 50 years. This was brought to his attention after he had expressed concern that the Chinese were attempting to develop nuclear weapons. Too little too late for Mr. Cain, but at least now he is in the know with the rest of us.
Texas Governor Rick Perry and Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann put on a display of testicular fortitude by approving of waterboarding and its benefit to our country’s national security. Perry sited that we should use all means available to extract information from those who wish to pose danger to the U.S.
So what can we take away from all of this? Well, for starters we know that if we do elect Newt Gingrich, he will be the president with the largest head that we’ve ever had. I’m not sure of his politics, but watching that melon rock back and forth when he talks is amazing.
If we elect Herman Cain, it would be cool if he took Obama’s campaign strategy slogan “yes we can” a step further by stating that “once you go black you never go back.”
If Rick Perry is elected, I believe that he would place a strong focus on ensuring that all Americans receive at least one good hair day per week during his administration’s tenure.
For now the only for sure thing is that we will be seeing a lot more of these folks until the debates are over and we here at Today Weekly will be right there keeping you informed so you don’t look like a dumbass when everyone is talking about it.
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